I went to the pools the other day with my son, Albie. It was pissing down with rain and I could tell that he was itching to get out of the house. Usually we’d go and pick up my mother in law Val and go to the mall for breakfast then take her to work. Did you know that ‘Mother in Law’ is an anagram for ‘WOMAN HITLER’? My MIL is anything but. She is an absolute sweetheart, a great woman and a terrific Nan to my two beautiful children. She is also incredibly fun to tease. That’s what I do (actually that’s what ALL families do) tease the people they love. With my new found quest for health, I have no time for the west city food court and its many vendors. I could always go for a continental breakfast option but what sort of cunt orders a continental breakfast?
It only cost me $7 to get into the pools with the boy. $5 for my entry, Albie was free but I had to fork out an extra $2 for a swimming nappy that Albs had to wear because he’s not yet reached the age of four. We put our bags down and hopped into the family spa; a haven for fatties and elderly Asian people. As I sat down with Albie, this monster of a man smiled at me and gave me the ‘what’s up’ eyebrows. This dude was huge, like can’t fit through the door huge. If I’m morbidly obese I’d hate to think what this guy was. He had his own climate, he was that big. I can talk about fat people like this because I’m a fatty fatty fat fat, too (Just like how black people can say the N word). He looked over at me and said……….. “You want to use this Jet? It’s really good for your lower back” “Nah mate I’m all good, thanks though” “I haven’t seen you in a while, man. What’s it been? Like three months”? “I don’t think we know each other actually, I’m Lee”? “I’m James” (not his real name but just in case the actual guy reads this I don’t want to face legal action for defamation of character. “You sure you don’t want to use this jet? It’ll be good for your sore shoulder”? “I don’t have a sore shoulder”………. “You’re the guy with the bung shoulder, right”? “Mate. We don’t know each other”…. “Oh. Sorry”. I got up with Albie and left. I could tell that the only reason he was talking to me was because I was fat, too. I don’t want that shit. It’s different getting a nod on the street when passing another dude with a big ginger beard (which happens ALL the time). Does that make me a bad person? Maybe that dude was just lonely and wanted to have a conversation with someone. He wasn’t going to get anywhere with the 90 year old ex Yakuza mafia boss next to him. Maybe I should have been the person with the sore shoulder that he hadn’t seen in over 90 days. I didn’t want to, though. It was so blatantly obvious that he was only talking to me because I was fat, too. Like there were people sitting right next to him that he could have spoken to but he insisted on yelling across the pool to me. Tomorrow I have an appointment at the gym with a personal trainer to suss out my GREEN prescription (which is cheaper gym membership for people with a physical disability (my clubbed foot) and to put a workout plan into action. I’m just going to say to this guy.... “Look I don’t need you to ride my ass and get on my tits about my exercise etc. I am motivated and all I need form you is to recommend a workout plan for me that will suit my clubbed foot”. I need to do a low impact - high intensity style of exercise, like an exercise bike or a rowing machine, then some weights etc. I’m totally up for water-walking too. The good thing about water-walking is that my joints aren’t going to get punished from having to deal with the impact of my body mass like they would if I were on a treadmill for example. I am really looking forward to hitting the gym 3 days a week. I have Albie home with me on Tuesday and Wednesday and he is day-care Mon, Thurs and Fri and Lucy is in school Mon – Fri. So on the days where I don’t have any kids at home – I’ll drop ‘em off to school and day-care then hit the gym for some hard-core sessions and when I do have kids home with me we’ll just head out on a family walk etc. I want to be exercising every day and I want to be smashing out some high intensity exercise on the days I’m at the gym. I also need to get some good headphones to wear while I’m I the gym so that people don’t talk to me. West Auckland is a small place and I know a LOT of people so the chances that I won’t have to stop and talk to someone I know at the gym are about as slim as me. I’m not looking forward to it at all. “Hey Lee, how’s it going”? “You can see how it’s fucking going. I’m sweating up a storm on a rowing machine”. I’m happy to give you a small nod and then meet up in the sauna for yarn after my session but please don’t approach me while I’m mid workout. I know that sounds a little pompous and arrogant but I really do know A LOT of people and I’m sure that there a whole bunch of people that I know or know by association at the West Wave gym. Those are the worst ones, too. “Hey, you’re Lee right. You know so & so. He’s my neighbour/cousin/workmate/ whatever-the-fuck”…… “Yeah bro – I’ll see you in the sauna”……. Moving on to something a little more positive, now. A progress report. I am able to do up a suit jacket that I was not able to do up two weeks ago. I’m a Marriage celebrant and I marry people ALL THE TIME! When I wear a suit – It’s the best I’ll ever look. EVER! So it was a nice feeling to be all buttoned up along with the other guests at the wedding. I haven’t re weighed myself or redone my measurements and I won’t until I finish this 90 day prescription of metformin that I’m on (my diabetes medicine) but it was nice to see a small difference. I am also drinking a hell of a lot less water than I usually would (which indicates that my medicine is working well). I’d usually punch 4-5 1.5 litre bottles of water a day and now I’m lucky if I get through 1. I’m looking forward to shopping day on Wednesday and I’m going to buy more than salad. Low Carb High Fat meals are the way to go apparently. Two weeks of salads for lunch have taken their toll and I’m up for something else. I can’t wait for Wednesday! Cheers for reading. Text ROG to 3333
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AuthorLee Weir - Radio Announcer, Marriage Celebrant and Guinness World Record Holder. Archives
January 2024
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