Most of the time my favourite place in the world is the smallest room in the house. I love nothing more than to hit the bathroom in the mornings and sit there on my phone until my legs go numb or until my wife starts yelling that she needs help with the kids and the morning routine. Most often it’s the latter. Monday night, however that bathroom felt like it was going to be my tomb. HOLY SHIT. I was prepping my bowel for the colonoscopy I was to have the following day. I tell you right now, I was a lot happier not knowing about these damn ‘GLYCO PREP’ sachets. They’re a hospital grade laxative and good golly miss molly do they work. I had to mix two 70g sachets in with 2 litres of water. Lemon flavour supposedly. Bullshit it was lemon flavour, more like cod liver oil mixed with the sweat from a female wrestler with a yeast infections underwear, with the tiniest fucking hint of lemon as an aftertaste. It was absolute arse. I would rather let a fat midget spit in my face than EVER have to drink that shit again.
Long story short; I was smashing out bum wees every 5 or 10 minutes for about three hours or so. TO make matters worse I wasn’t allowed to eat anything from 12pm Monday, until after my procedure, either. So, on top of shitting through the eye of a needle for 3 hours, I was also incredibly hungry. I was however, allowed to drink clear fluids like tea, herbal tea, coffee (with no milk), juice, water and soup. SOUP. THANK FUCK!!! Nikita shot up the road and grabbed me some Chicken Noodle soup………. Mmmmmm Noodle Soup (for the F.R.I.E.N.D.S fans) I was all set to eat some and then aw the noodles in there and decided against it as I didn’t want noodles showing up on camera during my colonoscopy. They’d know that I broke the rules and may have sent me home because my bowel wasn’t in the condition it should have been in for the procedure (I don’t know how they work). In the end I got a chicken noodle sachet from a packet of Yum Yum’s and smashed that in some boiling water and had it like a sort of chicken flavoured cup of tea. That got me thinking. I’m not much of a hot drink kinda guy. I’ll have maybe 3 or 4 hot drinks a year (coffee and tea etc). But I would definitely smash back a cup of gravy. Would you? Think about it. A cold morning or afternoon and you’re also a little peckish – hey presto a delicious cup of gravy. Drinkable gravy, not lumpy KFC kinda shit. I reckon I’m on to something, there… I woke up to my 5:15am alarm the next day as a I had to drink another litre of that god damn ‘Arse Juice’ between 5 and 6am. I jumped in the shower and slugged back a few glasses in between pit scrubs. For some reason the shower made it better. Weird. Actually, not weird at all. Anyone that has the experience of a ‘Shower Beer’ knows what the fuck’s up! I woke up the family, took 4 high powered bum wees shits and then watched them eat their breakfast. Bastards! We all piled into the car and headed to the hospital. It was pissing down with rain as I moseyed my way into the reception area. “Hey, howzit going? I’m here for a 7:45 colonoscopy appointment” “Good morning, you’ll be in the surgical ward. Head down that way and follow the windows round to the left and go straight through the doors”. “Thanks” I got given one of those hospital backless gowns and a nice housecoat/dressing gown to wear. I tried to steal one of those house coats but was unsuccessful. Anyway, they whacked an IV line in me and sent me off to the waiting room. I was second on the list of people to get their colons examined. YAY. The first was an elderly Asian man. He seemed thrilled to be getting it done. He kept looking over at me and smiling and nodding at me. It was a “You know what’s going on here ay, pal. You’re getting one done, too. Kind of nod. Nice. NOW THE NEXT PART OF THIS BLOG IS QUITE GRAPHIC AND A LITTLE EMBARRASSING FOR ME. SO PLEASE, READ ON AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. ALSO. I HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY OPEN AND HONEST IN THESE AND I’D LIKE TO THINK THAT I’M NOT BEING SLAGGED OFF OR LAUGHED AT BY ANYONE. I got called into the operating theatre and was told to lie in the foetal position on my left-hand side with my knees to my chest. ON goes the KY-Jelly. Cold. “Here we go, Lee” the surgeon said and then BOOM. Colonoscope went in. It wasn’t too bad. It was more uncomfortable than sore. I was watching the screen as the camera went up further and further and began to spray water and air inside my rectum and colon. It was quite interesting to watch. I kept asking the surgeon questions about what was going on and he kept giving me short answers as if to say “shut the fuck up, pal. I’m trying to work, here”. I found that a little rude, I mean sure, this guy does this every day of his working life, but this is the first time I have ever seen the inside of myself and I was curious god dammit. After about 15 minutes the colonoscopy was over and, in all honesty, – It wasn’t bad. It didn’t hurt at all and was over very quickly. Men are put off by these kinds of things and chicken out because ‘it’s a man putting something up your bum’. GROW UP. The worst part about getting a coloscopy is having to drink those fucking laxatives…. After the colonoscopy the surgeon said to me “Let’s band off those internal haemorrhoids while we’re here, shall we” I foolishly said yes. The next instrument he put up my bum was FUCKING HUGE! I swear to god it was dildo sized. Oh, and just so you know ‘Banding’ is a procedure similar to how sheep lose their tails. They put a very tight rubber band around the base of the haemorrhoid and then after a few days, like a sheep tail; they just fall off. ANYWAY, this fucking thing he whacked up my arse was MENTAL! I whinged like a little bitch when it went up there and I said “Oh, fuck that. That’s not cool!!! Shit that’s sore” Then the nurse came over to me and started stroking my head and face. STROKING MY FACE. What the fuck!? She kept whispering in my ear – “Just breathe, Lee. Nice and slow”. That was even weirder. I don’t know if that this nurse just offered that as part of her consolation package or if she just wanted to make this as uncomfortable as possible. Then (and this is where shit gets really grim) I felt a hot sharp burning sensation run from the base of my penis right up to my nob. Again, I let out a massive yelp. “Oh, fuck I felt that. What the fuck was that”? “What was what? What did you feel”? “I don’t know what it was, but I felt that in my dick! Don’t do that again”. Two seconds later, it happens again, and I react just as unfavourably as I did the first time. “Oh, for fuck sake! What are you doing”? “It’s O.K, Lee. We’re all done”. I stand up and waddle out of the room. Actually, before I get into my recovery. THE DRUGS THEY GAVE ME WERE THE SHITTIEST FUCKING DRUGS I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. They did nothing. I was supposed to have been sedated and unable to walk unassisted etc. I was completely coherent throughout the whole thing and felt fine. I have taken tramadol and felt more sedated than I was lying on that table with 5 feet of colonoscope inside me. I was incredibly disappointed with that aspect of the procedure. Completely and totally let down. I was given a ham sandwich, two cookies and a glass of water to get stuck into while the nurses went to fetch my wife who was still in the waiting room. Nikita came into the recovery ward and shit was I glad to see her! She gave me a cuddle and asked about how it all went. I told her what went down and that I was a little sore from it all and that I needed to go to the toilet. She walked with e to the toilet and I started to go wees. BLOOD. SO much blood. I freaked the fuck out and went out to the nurse’s station and told them that I was urinating blood and to go and grab that surgeon because I wasn’t pissing blood 3o minutes ago so obviously something went wrong during the colonoscopy. A lovely nurse went and grabbed the surgeon and he came and told me that it was most likely due to the local anaesthetic needle that they used when he banded off those haemorrhoids going “in too far” and rupturing something in that part of me. He Instructed me to drink some more water and go for another wee and if it starts off ‘bloody’ and then runs clear then there is no real cause for concern. Oh, and before he walked off whistling to himself, he said “Sorry about that”. Again, I would like to reiterate that the colonoscopy was 100% fine and gave me no grief at all. Sadly, it was a rogue needle full of local anaesthetic that had caused me the most grief… My urine is blood-free, and I am well on the mend. Until next time………….
1 Comment
Kerryn
8/26/2018 07:31:05 pm
I am sorry Lee, I had to comment to say I did laugh while reading this, not because of what you had to go through but by the way you explained it. The way you write makes it so much more relateable and it hits me right in the giggle dick every time. You are a legend, glad everything was all clear.
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AuthorLee Weir - Radio Announcer, Marriage Celebrant and Guinness World Record Holder. Archives
January 2024
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