Have you ever had one of those mornings where everything just goes wrong? You wake up to find that your phone that you put on charge the night before, hasn’t charged at all and is on 3% due to the plug being switched off at the wall. You try to create the perfect piece of toast starting with getting the right amount of butter on the knife. You then try and spread that butter perfectly across your piece of toast evenly, reaching all the edges without any excess butter, only to completely fuck it up and rip the crust clean off, because the toaster you have is not deep enough to take the entire piece of bread, therefore the crust doesn’t get toasted properly. Your toast is shit. Your morning is shit. You try to make light of the whole damn episode and post about it on social media, but you can’t because, guess what!? Your phone is shit. Therefore, your entire day is going to be shit. That’s how today started for me. Holy shit it was a fucking swamp donkey of a morning. A real stinker. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and thought ‘holy shit, son. You’re looking good’. I am now 11 kilos down and feeling great about myself. I have slipped a bit (and it is a slip) with getting boozey and slipping back into my old weekly drinking patterns. I am not drinking the quantity that I used to drink but it has started to become more and more frequent. That is going to change. I’m OWNING that. Weekly binges aren’t that good for me so I’m getting onto that right away. I am enjoying spending more quality time with my family and doing more and more things that don’t include screens. It’s easy some days to set the little shits up with an iPod or a phone and just let them smash out a good hour or two of YouTube so that you can get some shit done that you wanna get done…. Then with a knock at the door my morning changed. I AM GETTING A COLONOSCOPY! It is this coming Tuesday and I am so excited about it. Its an odd thing to be excited about, innit? Getting a long tube with a camera on the end of it put up your bum and then having your rectum and colon examined for about 45 minutes, but I can’t wait. My mum had cancer that started in the bowel and then spread EVERYWHERE and eventually, it took her away from me and my family. FUCK YOU, CANCER. So, I am over the moon to be getting checked out early to try and pre-empt this shit before it comes for me. As I have had a first-degree relative die from it under the age of 55 this is publicly funded for me, too! Four days before my appointment I have to begin a low fibre diet and then the day before my procedure I have to smash back a couple of high powered laxative pills and punch an extra 2 litres of laxatives over a 2-hour period in order to evacuate my bowel completely…. Nice. There is a warning note on my medicine that says, “Anal soreness may occur due to multiple bowel movements, if this happens, please apply Vaseline to the anus generously”, Great. So basically, I am going to be shitting for 12 hours leading up to my procedure. I am also not allowed to eat anything from 12pm the day before until after my procedure, but hey. I’ll be too busy shitting through the eye of the needle to even consider eating. There is also a very small risk that the colonoscopy will cause serious damage or bleeding to my bowel and I may need further treatment. That is a VERY small risk, however. I’ve been thinking back to the fact that my previous doctor told me that I wasn’t eligible for a publicly funded colonoscopy and that I’d have to pay round $5K if I wanted to get one. WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT! While I am happy about getting a colonoscopy, I am also incredibly nervous about it. Bowel Cancer runs in my family and I am scared to death that they’ll find something during the procedure. The positive side to this is that if they do find something, I’m young and the chances of beating it are in my favour. Having said that, I can’t help but cast my mind back to all the people I know that have had bowel cancer young and not beaten it. Scary shit. In my first blog post I wrote about getting a finger up my bum from my doctor on the first appointment I ever had with him and how the whole experience wasn’t actually that bad. For some reason men don’t go and get this shit done (colonoscopies) and it’s ridiculous. Surely if there is something you can do that means you’re going to be healthy, you’d do it right? Like putting on a seatbelt or staying away from the Absinth. My biggest fear is that after all this healthy eating and exercising that I have been doing and finally getting myself on the right track I’m going to get lumped with Bowel Cancer. Shit that would suck. I have finally said to my body “Hey, let’s be friends” and my body is responding by saying “Thank fuck, pal. I’ve been waiting our whole life for this”. So, I am really hoping that I have a healthy bowel and that no irregularities are found during this Tuesdays procedure. To finish I would just like to make a special mention to my amazing wife, Nikita. Nikita you are the tits, girl! A little while before my mum died in 2010, we were having a chat about life and shit and she reminded me of something that I had said to her as a 15-year-old teenager. My mum was dropping me off to Nikita’s house (she was having drinks) and she asked me on the way there; “So, where am I dropping you off, tonight”? “This girl, Nikita’s house, from school”. “Is she your girlfriend, Lee”? “No, she’s actually going out with my friend. But she will be” “Really”? “Yeah. I’m going to marry this girl, mum”. And I did! I married the shit outta that girl! How about that?! 16 years ago, when I was only 15, I told my mother that I was going to marry my friend’s girlfriend. FUCK that’s a cool story! Nikita, we have been through so much together over the past 16 years. We have laughed and cried together, lost and welcomed life, together and I don’t think that I’d be in a very good way, let alone be alive, if it weren’t for your presence in my life. You were there from the beginning. When everyone told you, I was no good and to broom me, you stood up for me. You were there. You have always been there, too. You have given me two beautiful children and you have been incredibly loving and supportive throughout this whole ‘health’ ordeal. You are a beautiful person and a total inspiration and I love you more than words could possibly express. Oh, and could you please buy some Vaseline on your way home from work today, because there is a good chance you’ll need to apply some generously to my anus in a few days.
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AuthorLee Weir - Radio Announcer, Marriage Celebrant and Guinness World Record Holder. Archives
January 2024
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