First – Thank you for the support. I actually had to turn my notifications from Facebook off last night because they were doing my head in. What I failed to mention in my previous piece is that I am going to start a LCHF diet very soon. Sadly, I did not find out about this until after shopping day. My sister in law Shannon (who I have always called Yanny (not Laurel) ………Don’t ask - long story………O. K well I used to call her Yannon when she was about 11 or 12 and then it just got shortened to Yanny. I give people ridiculous nicknames, it’s kind of my thing. Take my sister Gary for example. Her real name is Carol-Anne. About 10 years ago when my wife and I were out drinking with my brother and his ex-wife (such a shame that that ended) we met a Scottish girl called ‘Ang-Harrod’. I know, right!? Poor kid. ANG fucking HARRAD! When I next saw Carol-Anne I started to call her ‘Harrod-Anne which then got shortened to ‘Harry’ then from ‘Harry’ to ‘Gary’ and she’s been that ever since. It’s not weird to anyone that knows us and when I introduce her to friends/colleagues of mine for the first time I say “Hey, this is my sister Gary” they look at her as if to say, ‘poor kid’ then they smile and say, “nice to meet you”. She is also known as
She is my sister and without a doubt my favourite sibling, so she deserves every bit of shit she gets. Shit – what a tangent! Anyway – Yanny told me about this KETO LCHF diet that she has been on and it sounds amazing so I’m going to be smashing that out real soon. This Extra ‘Lemon/Lime’ chewing gum loses its flavour really fast. Did anyone else’s parents tell them that the way to get chewing gum its flavour back was to put it in the freezer in a glass of water and a teaspoon of sugar? Man, parents can talk some utter shit! What a load of bollox. Sort your shit out EXTRA, seriously – flavour gone in about 24 chews. Look at me - Apparently beggars can be choosers. At least it’s sugar free ‘Excess consumption may have laxative effect’ good to know. In America instead of that little phrase on their sugar free products it says “WARNING – May cause anal leakage’………………ANAL. LEAKAGE. That’s terrible. Almost as bad as ‘Morbidly Obese’. I remember when I was a child I stole a massive bag of my mum’s diabetic lollies (OH FUCK THAT’S RIGHT – MUM HAD TYPE 2 DIABETES TOO) I failed to mention that in my previous blog. I took the whole bag down to the school at the end of the road and just had a massive bender on them. Mum asked at dinner where her lollies went and if I had taken them she said something like “you won’t get in trouble, I just want to know if you took them because I can’t remember if I left them at work or not”. I lied. I wasn’t going to get stitched up and smacked for taking those. Parents are notorious liars. When they say, “you’re not going to get in trouble” and you do, it’s like those people that start a sentence with “I’m not racist, but” ……….and then they go on to spout the most racist thing you have ever heard……She later found out that I did steal them because I had some pretty severe ‘Anal Leakage’. I’m talking a serious shit storm, a poo-nami, a chocolate waterfall, bum wees. You get the gist. Maybe consider making Bacon flavoured sugar free gum, EXTRA? I went to a concert last night. Sober. Free tickets from work – WHAT A JOB PERK! The first time in quite some time actually and I had a blast. Steven Adler the original drummer from Guns N Roses played the PowerStation with his band ‘Adler’s Appetite’. Before this though, he had a Q&A session on stage with his mum Deanna, hosted by Bryce Casey (who I work with at The Rock) who is also one of my broadcasting heroes. The gig was billed in two parts. The Q&A at 8:45 and then his band playing ‘Appetite for Destruction’ in its entirety. His band was actually pretty fucking good. It featured former American Idol contestant ‘Constantine someone or rather’ on lead vocals and ‘Sons of Anarchy’ actor and fill in motorcycle man, ‘Sean McNabb’ who fucked shit up on the bass!.............The Q&A was kind of weird. It was an obvious opportunity for his mother Deanna (who is 76 and would still totally get it) to plug her book and talk about her now ‘New York Times’ bestseller ‘Sweet Child of Mine – How I Lost My Son to Guns N Roses’. The Adler’s swapped stories from Steven’s previous life with the band and Bryce did an amazing job to keep Steven from going on tangents (He was a junkie for about 40 years and has recently had a heart attack and a stroke so the dude’s totally out the gate). At one point Adler said “When this guy (Bryce) shuts the fuck up we can play some fucking Rock n Roll” to which Bryce replied “Hey Look, Steven I’m getting paid to be here – If you want to play then you can play” or something to that effect, I can’t remember I was drun…………. NO. WAIT I WASN’T! That’s the whole point of this blog piece. I WENT TO A GIG AND DIDN’T HAVE A SINGLE DROP OF ALCOHOL. I did however, sneak a few sniffs of my date Josh’s Jack Daniels premix (which he caught me doing and looked slightly grossed out by) and I may or may not have been around people that were smoking the devil’s lettuce and some of the second-hand smoke may or may not have found its way into my body and mellowed me out a little…………MAYBE. As soon as the band started this lovely looking lass approached me with three beers and said, “Do you want these”? I politely declined. She grabbed me by the scruff and pulled me in close to her. Not gonna lie – I did think that maybe she could tell that I had been eating healthily for the past 4 days and could notice a change in me and that she wanted some of this ‘hot pumpkin ass’. She didn’t. She pulled me in to tell me that the drinks were her husbands and that he wasn’t ‘allowed’ any more drinks. Enter Husband. You should have seen the state of this cunt! He sat, no. He fell down on the couch next to me with a full beer and it shot up out of the glass and absolutely soaked my pants. Prick. I pushed him aside nicely and he looked up at me with eyes that seemed to have all signs of life drained out of them and were stuck in a silent scream. “Baaaahhhrghhh Smallarrghhh Schmorryyyyy” he muttered. We’ve all been there, pal. Slug some water and find your happy place. By song #3 in the set – he was out. What an absolute ringworm. You could tell that GnR was his favourite band and that he was just so fucking excited to be seeing one of the original members live that he went way too hard and peaked way too early. Rookie mistake. Slow and steady wins the race, mate. As I watched his wife fend off people who were trying to kick and humiliate her poor coma’d out little bitch of a husband, Steven Adler started slapping out a wicked little drum solo. My phone just beeped ‘New Health Records Received’. Shit I love this ‘Manage My Health’ App. KIDNEYS ARE FINE! NO protein in them (apparently that’s bad). I’m trying to avoid going on Google with my new-found diagnosis. They might as well call Google ‘Everything’s Cancer’. I tend to stay off the internet for that reason, it’s so negative. I mean you go on the internet and people hate ‘Forrest Gump’ That’s the BEST MOVIE EVER. Drum solo over. I’d been at the gig for about 90 minutes and I needed a drink. Thank god for free water stations at bars. It wasn’t Ice water, but it did the trick. I even brought a glass back for little Mr. ‘Can’t hack the piss’. That’s not fair actually. I’m sure he had had close to 7 peppermint schnapps. It was an amazing gig, really! I got to see an original member of GnR play an album that he helped write and record and toured extensively on, live! After the gig I bumped into my two bosses at The Rock near where I was sitting, Brad and Reagan. They both came over to me and were genuinely concerned about the state of my health. Reagan’s like some sort of wizard in the kitchen, seriously! Dude can cook! He offered to send me some recepies that are low in carbs and sugar and really easy and tasty to make. Brad offered me some solid support, too. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here. “Lee, I’m a little fucked up, but I read your blog earlier today. You got this, bro! It’s not going to be easy, but YOU FUCKING GOT THIS. We’re all behind you”. It’s was nice to hear that from those guys. They really do care about their staff and I felt validated and appreciated not only as an employee but as their friend, which is a rare find in a boss; a friendship. My first gig with no alcohol was a huge success. I managed to weasel my way backstage for the meet and greet after the show, too. Kane, the promoter (who must be fuckkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnngggg sick of me by now) let me go upstairs with my friend Josh and get my album signed. Afterwards as I was leaving, he came over to me, tapped me on the shoulder and said…. “Lee you have to stop fucking coming to my shows. I’m sick of you and your bloody signatures” ……. He sounded serious. I hope he was joking, because that dude puts on some seriously fucking rad shows. I’m not gonna stop going to ‘em. NEVER! Kane if you’re reading this – I have a bottle of Jack here with your name on it, mate. I am so appreciative of all that you’ve swung for me in the past months. You’re a good cunt and you dress incredibly well. He then laughed and invited me back to the Ding Dong Lounge for a drink. I told him ‘maybe’, it wasn’t really the time or the place for the whole “I’m not drinking anymore because I’m now a diabetic” etc…. Shit. I’m a diabetic. Steven Adler was a trip to meet. I gave him a hug (well he hugged me. I’m not special, he was hugging everyone) and he signed my ‘Appetite’ LP with the gold paint pen I brought with me. He looked at the paint pen and said in a Californian stoner type of accent… “That’s gonna smudge, mannnnn. Don’t let it smudge” I assured him that I wouldn’t let it smudge. I then met his mother Deanna and thanked her for her time – She smiled and said, “you’re welcome”. Driving home from the gig I was filled with an incredible sense of pride and accomplishment. Normally that kinda night was a ‘bottle of Jack’ kinda night. When actually a ‘250ml of H20’ night sufficed. I only had two glasses of water the whole night, didn’t go to the pisser once and didn’t nick out the back for a cheeky dart (I’ve been off the darts since October 13, 2017). I didn’t miss any of the gig due to excessive alcohol consumption. I didn’t miss any of my favourite songs due to cueing up for the toilet and then getting stage fright at the urinal and ‘pretending’ that I’ve gone wees, only to have to go and line up again and wait for a cubicle. Most importantly, Last night I had fun…. Now – Off to Morepork for a Salad and some Insta-goodness. Love you, all thanks for the continued support, Lee or Diabet-lee………… (Nah. That’s a shit nickname).
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AuthorLee Weir - Radio Announcer, Marriage Celebrant and Guinness World Record Holder. Archives
January 2024
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